Can best friends offer tough love?
In a recent article published by the Minneapolis-St. Paul Start-Tribune about adult children boomeranging home after college,Barbara Risman, head of sociology at the University of Illinois at Chicago and an executive officer of the Council on Contemporary Families said, “A high percentage of college freshmen say one of their parents is their best friend.”
On the surface, this may seem great — parents and kids getting along, nurturing and supporting each other. But we are not supposed to be our children’s best friends. Parents are parents, and a parent’s role is to help their children become independent. How can they achieve independence from their parents if they view their parents as best friends? And if these students do return home to live after graduating, how can the parents possibly offer the tough love that can sometimes be required to help a new grad get on their feet?
It’s great to get along with your adult kids, and offer emotional support when you can. But remember — ideally, you want your child to get to a stage where they don’t need you anymore. Make sure you encourage them to establish meaningful relationships with their peers.
Too many waiting for the “perfect” job
A recent New York Times article featured the story of a 24-year-old unemployed college graduate who’s living at home and being supported by his parents. He was offered a job at $40,000 per year, but turned it down because he felt it was “dead end work.”
What?! This is crazy. When I graduated from college, I moved home with my parents for a few months as I regained my footing and tried to figure out what was next (I draw on this experience in my book). With an English degree, the job opportunities were certainly not falling in my lap. So what did I do? I went to work in a bookstore for $8 an hour. Sure, it was a lower-level job than I thought I’d get with a college degree, but at least it brought in some money that allowed me to contribute to the grocery bill and start saving to move out. It also allowed me to create some opportunities for myself, as I volunteered to create the store’s website, and started doing some promotional and marketing work that became the earliest pieces in my writing portfolio.
If your adult children are living at home and struggling with their job search, make sure they understand that they need to earn some money — even if that means they take a job that is not exactly their ideal position. Those ideal positions are rarely first jobs. And any job offers opportunities to build your resume, as long as you’re willing to seek out tasks that are beyond your job description.
Hey, it’s summer. If your adult child is living at home and unemployed, send them out to start mowing neighbors’ lawns! Sure, it’s manual labor, but making a few dollars is good for anyone’s self esteem. And if they come to you asking for advice about what to say to a $40K job offer that’s not exactly in their chosen field, tell them to jump on it. In this economy, we have to take opportunities when they are presented to us, and create our own luck.
Recent media appearances
AdultChildrenLivingatHome.com has been in the news a couple of times recently, offering tips for parents dealing with adult children returning home after college.
The Ventura County Reporter’s story Boomerang Generation: From high hopes to grim realities, local adults, young and old, enter unknown territory included several tips from AdultChildrenLivingatHome, inclusing this one:
“Living with your adult kids can be a positive experience for both you and them, as long as you know how to make it work and are prepared to put in the effort,” Newberry said. She also warns against the danger of giving too much, which “may not be doing your adult children any favors” and could actually harm their chances of being successful in the future.
Yahoo! Shine’s piece How to make it work when college grads return home to live included this key piece of advice:
“If you treat them like a kid again, you’re not helping them — you are creating a lifestyle that they won’t be able to maintain when they leave,” Newberry says. “Your job is to get them to where they don’t need you anymore.”