Set Expectations at Spring Break
If your adult child is coming home from college and staying with you over Spring Break, it can be a great opportunity to consciously set some expectations for the week that will also help set the tone for the future.
Or, at the very least, to avoid setting some unrealistic expectations!
It can be tempting for your kid to come home and expect to be treated like returning royalty. They may want to focus on their studies, perhaps, or (more likely) focus on catching up with friends and sleep, while hoping that you’ll catch up on their laundry.
So now is the time–before they arrive–to make sure they understand the ground rules. Let them know that they are welcome to use the washing machine, for example.
If there’s a family car, make up a schedule so you don’t end up stranded.
It may be tempting for you to pamper them, but have no doubt: They will get used to whatever happens during their brief visits home. By communicating with them as one adult to another you can welcome them home, without creating dangerous patterns for the future.
New study: Adult children get more help in “a more complicated world”
This cheeky graphic comes from a recent article in the Globe and Mail. And in case you’re wondering what the secret is — it’s you.
The article talks about a study published last month in the Journal of Marriage and Family that looked at the relationships of 633 Philadelphia-area parents, aged 40 to 60, and their 1,384 children, aged 18 to 33.
The findings? Of those 18- to 33-year-old adult children, 76% got domestic help monthly, and 79% got money most months. That’s more than three quarters of 18- to 33-year-olds still getting regular financial support from mom and dad!
The article also introduces us to a couple of families where the moms seem happy to continue baking and doing laundry for their adult children. If this describes you, keep in mind that your adult children will need to learn to do their own laundry some day — and you’re really not helping them to become independent by continuing to care for them as if they are small children.
You can read the whole Globe article here.
Interview on Roy Green’s Nationally Syndicated Show
Today I spoke with Roy Green on his Canada-wide talk show on the Corus Radio Network about how to deal with adult children living at home, including some important ways adult children must be treated differently from when they were little kids:
- Don’t overparent your adult kids — it’s a sure way to encourage rebellion and resentment. You can have house rules, but you can’t rule your adult child’s life.
- Don’t take care of all the details — your role has changed, and it’s no longer appropriate for you to pay your adult child’s bills, or do their laundry. Your role is to help your adult child achieve independence.
- Talk, talk, talk. Your adult child should have much more input than they did when they were small, and discussions and agreements are important to achieving household harmony. That said, it’s still your house, so in the end, what you say goes.
You can hear the interview here.
How to help young adult children become independent
Is the boomerang kid phenomenon all about the economy, or is there more to it than that? In Escaping the Endless Adolescence: How We Can Help Our Teenagers Grow Up Before They Grow Old, psychologists Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen suggest that over-parenting has created a generation of young adults who are more dependent on their parents than ever — including needing advice from mom and dad an everage of 13 times per week while away at college!
In this interview with the Globe and Mail, Dr. Joseph Allen explains how you can help your young adult child develop the skills they need for independence: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/are-you-stopping-your-teen-from-growing-up/article1356130/
Video Tip: How to make sure you know your adult child is safe without imposing a curfew
College kids coming home for the holidays? You need to watch this video!
Parenting twenty-somethings
For those of you with 20-somethings living at home, Psychologist Susan Allen has put together a blog you might want to check out. With topics like dealing with adult kids during the holidays, and how to talk to your adult kids about credit card debt, she can provide loads of information, drawn from her experience a a psychologist and life coach.
You can find Susan’s blog here: parenting20-somethings.blogspot.com
Tips on dealing with boomerang kids from an executive coach
Dorothy Dalton, an executive coach, says more and more of her clients are stressed out by the return of boomerang kids. In a recent blog post, she offers some tips for maintaining calm in a household with adult children who have moved home. You can read her tips here.
Rules for adult kids at home during college breaks
I posted a new article today that talks about setting rules for adult children who return home during college breaks. Some key tips from the article:
Make sure you talk about and agree upon guidelines for:
- Household rules, including swearing, late nights, and noise: Remember that your college kid has been dealing with college-style language, music, and hours. Talk about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not.
- Who covers additional expenses: If your adult kid is just home for a long weekend, this probably isn’t an issue. But if they’re home for three months, who’s going to pay for the extra groceries they consume and the electricity they use? What about long-distance calls they make keeping up with college friends?
- Fair use of shared resources: Make sure you all agree on appropriate use of the family computer and TV. You don’t want to have battles over the remote just as someone’s favorite show is about to begin. And be very clear about any guidelines for using (and gassing up!) the family car.
- The thorny issue of overnight guests: Whether you like it or not, your kid’s probably been having sleepovers with his girlfriend while at school. Can he have her stay over in his room at your home?
- Privacy rules for both you and your adult children: These rules will be different than they were when your kid lived at home full-time. You should agree to stay out of her room and her mail, and she should agree to stay out of yours.
- Which chores your grown kids will be responsible for: A summer break with no help from your adult kids could leave you fuming. Make sure you agree on what’s expected beforehand so your kid doesn’t feel imposed upon, and you don’t feel resentful.
If you need help setting up an agreement with your adult kids for their breaks at home, or if you just need some advice on how to renegotiate your relationship now that your kids are grown, you can find resources and tips at www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.
You can read the rest of the article here.
Helping your new grad get started in their career
More and more new grads are coming home to live with their parents after graduating from college in a weak economy with poor job prospects.
This article from TwinCities.com provides some advice for parents who want to help their adult children get started on their chosen career path, whether the adult children are living at home or not.