On the surface, this may seem great — parents and kids getting along, nurturing and supporting each other. But we are not supposed to be our children’s best friends. Parents are parents, and a parent’s role is to help their children become independent. How can they achieve independence from their parents if they view their parents as best friends? And if these students do return home to live after graduating, how can the parents possibly offer the tough love that can sometimes be required to help a new grad get on their feet?

It’s great to get along with your adult kids, and offer emotional support when you can. But remember — ideally, you want your child to get to a stage where they don’t need you anymore. Make sure you encourage them to establish meaningful relationships with their peers.

What?! This is crazy. When I graduated from college, I moved home with my parents for a few months as I regained my footing and tried to figure out what was next (I draw on this experience in my book). With an English degree, the job opportunities were certainly not falling in my lap. So what did I do? I went to work in a bookstore for $8 an hour. Sure, it was a lower-level job than I thought I’d get with a college degree, but at least it brought in some money that allowed me to contribute to the grocery bill and start saving to move out. It also allowed me to create some opportunities for myself, as I volunteered to create the store’s website, and started doing some promotional and marketing work that became the earliest pieces in my writing portfolio.

If your adult children are living at home and struggling with their job search, make sure they understand that they need to earn some money — even if that means they take a job that is not exactly their ideal position. Those ideal positions are rarely first jobs. And any job offers opportunities to build your resume, as long as you’re willing to seek out tasks that are beyond your job description.

Hey, it’s summer. If your adult child is living at home and unemployed, send them out to start mowing neighbors’ lawns! Sure, it’s manual labor, but making a few dollars is good for anyone’s self esteem.  And if they come to you asking for advice about what to say to a $40K  job offer that’s not exactly in their chosen field, tell them to jump on it. In this economy, we have to take opportunities when they are presented to us, and create our own luck.

They discovered that college professors are getting phone calls from parents when they don’t think their kids’ grades are fair, and that parents are the ones taking responsibility for updating their adult children’s resumes with HR firms, and even contacting employers about performance evaluations they don’t agree with.

If you’ve been on this path with your adult child, it’s time to back off. The number one mistake you can make with adult children living at home is continuing to parent them like they are young children. In the end, this not only robs your adult kids of the chance to develop their own much-needed skills, it will also lead to resentment on both sides.

So let junior talk to his own boss about a bad performance review — or, better yet, learn how to do a great job in the first place!

Remember, we are all human, and everyone will make mistakes. But if you talk openly and honestly, you can avoid resentment and a lot of negative feelings. Living with your adult kids can be a positive experience for both you and them, as long as you know how to make it work, and are prepared to put in the effort.

For my tips on avoiding common mistakes when adult children, click here.

Or, at the very least, to avoid setting some unrealistic expectations!

It can be tempting for your kid to come home and expect to be treated like returning royalty. They may want to focus on their studies, perhaps, or (more likely) focus on catching up with friends and sleep, while hoping that you’ll catch up on their laundry.

So now is the time–before they arrive–to make sure they understand the ground rules. Let them know that they are welcome to use the washing machine, for example.

If there’s a family car, make up a schedule so you don’t end up stranded.

It may be tempting for you to pamper them, but have no doubt: They will get used to whatever happens during their brief visits home. By communicating with them as one adult to another you can welcome them home, without creating dangerous patterns for the future.

The article talks about a study published last month in the Journal of Marriage and Family that looked at the relationships of 633 Philadelphia-area parents, aged 40 to 60, and their 1,384 children, aged 18 to 33.

The findings? Of those 18- to 33-year-old adult children, 76% got domestic help monthly, and 79% got money most months. That’s more than three quarters of 18- to 33-year-olds still getting regular financial support from mom and dad!

The article also introduces us to a couple of families where the moms seem happy to continue baking and doing laundry for their adult children. If this describes you, keep in mind that your adult children will need to learn to do their own laundry some day — and you’re really not helping them to become independent by continuing to care for them as if they are small children.

You can read the whole Globe article here.

• Don’t overparent your adult kids — it’s a sure way to encourage rebellion and resentment. You can have house rules, but you can’t rule your adult child’s life.
• Don’t take care of all the details — your role has changed, and it’s no longer appropriate for you to pay your adult child’s bills, or do their laundry. Your role is to help your adult child achieve independence.
• Talk, talk, talk. Your adult child should have much more input than they did when they were small, and discussions and agreements are important to achieving household harmony. That said, it’s still your house, so in the end, what you say goes.

You can hear the interview here.

In this interview with the Globe and Mail, Dr. Joseph Allen explains how you can help your young adult child develop the skills they need for independence: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/are-you-stopping-your-teen-from-growing-up/article1356130/