Still more stories of adult children living at home
I share a lot of posts with stories about families with adult children living at home, because I know it’s important for those who are living in this challenging situation to understand that they are not alone. Today’s stories come from the TheSunNews.com in Myrtle Beach. You can read about adults from 30 to 56 who are living with their parents again, since unemployment in their area is at 10.5%. Here’s the link to the article:
http://www.thesunnews.com/news/local/story/1100598.html
Clever insight from a boomerang kid
At 26 and with 2 masters degrees, Nicky Loomis has found herself rooming with her parents in Pasadena, while trying to maintain a social life with her friends in L.A. In the first post on her new blog, she shares some of the trials and tribulatons of living with her parents in her mid-twenties. Here’s a highlight:
Though the high-school curfew is gone, if I don’t call to check in, it’s the barrage of the voicemails again. My parents even learned how to text.
My friends have been looking at me kind of funny lately, though, and I can’t blame them: I’ve started repeating dorky 60-year-old jokes my father performs at dinner; I now drink half-decaf, half-regular coffee; and I think watching Sunday golf on TV is relaxing.
What kind of a boomerang have I become?
For more of Nicky’s story, check out her blog at http://www.sgvtribune.com/opinions/ci_13481454. You might get some insight into how your own boomerangs are feeling. If not, Nicky’s witty writing should at least be enough to make you smile.
When it’s time to let your adult kids fly on their own
This recent article from the Sun Sentinel describes parents who are having trouble letting go of their parenting duties, even when their children are in college. The parents in this story still write thank you notes for their 20-something kids, and even want to help with college homework:
There are the parents who call the admissions office pretending to be their child in order to get information… There are parents who call professors to complain about a bad grade, perhaps because bullying the teacher worked in elementary or high school.
If you’re still acting like a “helicopter parent” when your kids are adults, you’re not doing them any favors. Over-parenting is Dangerous Mistake #1 covered in our free report, “Avoid the 8 Most Dangerous Mistakes Parents Make When Their Adult Child Lives at Home” (which you can access by filling in your name and e-mail address on the right side of this page).
Dreading the empty nest?
For some parents with adult children living at home, “empty-nest syndrome” is a delayed phenomenon, happening when children are in their late 20s or even 30s rather than when they are heading off to college as very young adults. Recent research has shown that empty nest syndrome may be a myth — that parents whose adult children live at home are actually more depresses that those whose kids live away — but for the writer of this article from the Telegraph, looming empty nest syndrome is a reality.
Two things about this article — the writer is doing a couple of things that conflict with the advice we offer, so we want to make sure you spot them. She’s not charging her adult daughter rent, hoping that the adult daughter is saving for a down payment on her own home. We suggest that parents always charge at least some form of rent (even if it’s paid in labor by doing chores around the house) to get the adult kids in the mentality of having that monthly expense. If you want to help them save for their own place, give that money back to them when they leave — you don’t even have to tell them that’s your plan as you’re collecting the money.
She’s also wondering about putting herself in debt to help her daughter by a home. We strongly advise against putting your own financial situation in jeopardy to help out your kids. If the money’s not there, it’s not there. Look for other ways to support them.
Adult kids moving home experience “growing pains”
MSNBC recently featured a story about adult children moving home because of the recession. It talks about how relationships change between adult kids and their parents when the adult kids return home. We particularly like this quote from Dr. Marion Lindblad-Goldberg, clinical professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania.
“Theoretically, by the time you reach adulthood, you’re supposed to be at the same power level as your parents. But it’s never like that. Parents can relate to their adult children when they’re away from home. But in the home, particularly if it’s the same home, the kid goes from being 28 down to 25 to 20 and ends up at 7.”
You can read the rest of the article here.
Sometimes the adult kids “live” at home, even when they don’t live at home
When adult children live very near their parents, families can experience some of the same issues as they do when adult children live at home. Adult kids may still stop by to do laundry or to be fed by Mom and Dad — and there can be privacy issues, even when the residence isn’t shared. Take this example from St. Petersburg Times Staff Writer Michelle Miller, writing about her adult son who lives down the street:
His dad and I were startled to hear a key in the front door just as we were settling down to watch the Red Sox on the tube.
“So, I guess you don’t have to knock or ring the doorbell?” my husband asked the boomerang boy.
“Nope, I have my own key,” the boy answered.
He was just passing by on his way home from work, he told us. “I just thought I’d stop in.”
As you can see, it’s important to set boundaries with your adult kids, even if there’s more than just a wall separating you. You can read the whole article here.
A mom’s perspective on an adult daughter moving home
Here’s a link to a lovely article written by a mother whose adult daughter is moving home after 5 years away. Like so many other young people, she is moving home because there are no good job prospects for her in the area where she’s been living, so she’s moving back to Mom’s home to find entry-level work and save some cash.
Kathy Scott, the mother and writer of the article, sums up many parents’ feeling about adult children moving home beautifully:
I am anxious to see her, and at the same time anxious about what this change will mean to both of us. I have had five years with her being only an occasional visitor… What will happen once she is back in our home, and I inevitably fall back into the role of watchful mother?
You can read the whole article here.
More stories of adult kids living at home, plus the history of changing family living arrangements
This great article from the TimesOnline shares stories from families with adult children living at home — including one mother who’s thrilled to have her adult kids returning to the nest, and another who’s a bit annoyed that her lawyer son is still at home at age 26. There are some interesting notes about how the stages at which young adults have left the nest have changed over the years.
A view into my past
If you’ve read my book, or have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that the book was inspired partly by the experiences I had myself as an adult child living at home.
This past weekend, I went to my mom’s place to help her set up a new computer. While transferring her files over, we found a folder called “Christina” in her documents. Inside was an essay I wrote about my feelings in June 2000, when I was 22 and just getting ready to leave home again after a 9-month after-college stay as an adult. I thought it would be nice to share my thoughts from 9 years ago with you, so here it is:.
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June 3, 2000
I, like many others, left my parents’ house the September after I graduated from high school. At age 17 I left to conquer the world, or at least to gather the skills to do so, as I headed to the University of Victoria. For four years I lived on my own, or with room-mates, working and going to school, the whole while feeling like a child playing house –- getting up to minor mischief and reveling in the lack of “adult” supervision. As graduation drew near, however, as I moved into my twenties and started to think about what my parents’ lives had been like at the same age, I realized that adulthood was looming and I was no longer playing house; I was building a life in my own home.
The end of my studies came and went with surprisingly little fanfare. I walked out of my final exam knowing that my university experience was over and that I was a student no longer, but not knowing what new label would replace my student identity. I had no job lined up, and I didn’t know quite where to start looking. There was suddenly nothing holding me in the town that had been my home for four years, so at age 21 I packed up my bags again and returned to my parents’ home.
During the four years I had been away, my father had retired, my younger sister had left home to herself become a student, and the resident cat had taken over the role of favored child. Re-integrating myself into this home that was so familiar and yet just not my home anymore was difficult. I brought with me a cat of my own, and the two cats faced off for control of the house. My parents and I faced off in similar, if more subtle, ways. I was a child when I left but an adult when I returned, and the integration of an adult-child into the household meant the rules and patterns had to change. In this, my parents’ home, I no longer had the freedom of a child playing house; instead I joined a fairly large segment of my peers who had returned to the empty nest and reverted to a kind of extended infancy. I was suddenly overwhelmed by adult supervision, and I felt like this place I lived in was not truly my home. In the nine months I have lived there, I have spent less and less time “at home” and have often felt like I was drifting, just waiting for something to push me back into a life of my own. Reverting to childhood is so easy, and it is nice to be looked after for a time, but now at 22 it is time to leave this easy shelter again.
Returning to the empty nest was at times comforting, at times chaotic for all involved. As I pack my boxes to strike out on my own once again, I look forward to the long evenings I will spend visiting in this place which is, after all, very much my parents’ home.
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I’m so glad that I now get to help families who are struggling through their own version of this scenario. Best wishes to all of you who have adult children living at home — remember that the situation can be tough on them too.
The little things can make a big difference
Today we’re sharing a blog post from a woman whose adult son lives with her. She started off her day talking to her son about the great meal she was going to make that evening. When he said it sounded good, she assumed he’d be home to help her eat it.
After a lot of work in the kitchen and a few hours waiting for him to show, it became clear the adult son wasn’t coming home for dinner. When his mom asked him what happened, he said that just because he said the dinner sounded good didn’t mean he’d planned on eating it.
For the mom, this was pretty frustrating, as you can imagine. When parents and kids try to navigate the uncharted waters of living together as adults, small misunderstandings can lead to massive frustration, and even build resentment. It’s important for everyone to talk openly with one another, and to make it clear what things matter to them. Reading this mom’s blog, it’s clear that preparing a meal is an act of love for her — but maybe her son doesn’t get that because she’s always been the one who made his dinners.
You can read the blog post here.
As you read it, think about any niggling details that may be bothering you in your own relationship with your adult kids living at home. Then resolve to talk about those feelings the next time you have a chance. If you need some help working on your communication strategy, our book has some great tips and resources for you to use.