Kids at home? Do *they* think they’re part of the “entitlement generation”?
Notable.ca, a site targeting young professionals in Canada, is running a survey asking members of “Gen X and Y” (though I suspect they expect to hear from Gen Y and the Millennials… Gen X is now into their 40s and even 50s) how they feel about being labelled the “entitlement generation,” including some questions that seem designed to tease out whether respondents actually engage in the behaviors typically mocked or scorned by columnists (and worried about by parents). If you’ve got adult kids at home, they might want to check out the survey at http://www.notable.ca/yp-life/Notableca-Survey-Are-we-the-Entitled-Generation/
Interesting perspective from an adult son living at home
This video from WUSA9 in Rockville, MD, shows an interesting perspective from an adult son living at home. The family dynamics in the video are interesting to watch, but the revelation comes at the end, when the young man says that he would view having his own place as a “luxury” — the luxury part being that he wouldn’t “have to hear the nagging.” But he views that luxury as being worth only $100-$200 — not the $1,000 it would cost him to get an apartment of his own. So, he’s happy to stay put and live for free, with being “nagged” the only price he has to pay…
Do your kids see you as a nuisance they’d pay a few hundred dollars to avoid? If so, it’s time to have a serious talk about the reasons why your adult child is living at home, and a timeline for them to move out.
This video is from a WUSA9 news story at http://wusa9.com/news/article/153351/373/More-Adult-Kids-Live-With-Parents-
A positive living-at-home experience, from the adult kid’s point of view
Unfortunately, we often have to talk about the challenges that arise when adult children move home – and there can be many. But there can also be many benefits. For the adult child, there are obvious financial benefits. But there are also benefits that involve the chance to develop deeper relationships with parents and any younger siblings still living at home. Tegan Flanagan described her experience living with her parents (bringing her boyfriend with her, no less) in a great piece for liquid ideas. Among her observations:
It’s not ‘cool’ to admit this but I actually enjoy seeing my parents and brother every day and from an economic perspective it just makes sense to live together under the one roof – the space is there to be shared, less food is wasted when there are more mouths to eat it. Sharing a meal around the dinner table and debriefing on the day is also really quite cathartic.
You can read her piece on liquid ideas here.
The perception problem
I came across an editorial in a college newspaper today in which the writer looked for reasons why so many college students and recent graduates are currently living with their parents. It’s always interesting to see how the situation is perceived by the adult children themselves. The writer’s perceptions are in line with what I see and hear from other adult children in their early 20s. Here’s my analysis of her points:
1. Generation Y had dreams of being independent at college, spurred on by unrealistic movies, and has “received another kick in the jaw” by being unable to do so.
My take: It seems to me the perception here is the problem. We all see idealized lives in the movies. There are few movies about people going to jobs they don’t like for 40 years to support a family that they can only rarely take on vacation. Feeling like you’ve been kicked in the jaw because you misunderstood your own financial ability to support yourself seems strange. Unless the kick in the jaw is that your parents are unwilling or unable to support the dreamed-of college lifestyle.
2. The economy is to blame for the lack of good, well paying entry-level jobs. “I’m sure every student knows a recent graduate who has a degree in something impressive like molecular biology but is putting that brilliant mind to work as a full-time barista at Starbucks instead of interning at a hospital.”
My take: I graduated from college 12 years ago. Then, unable to find a job that took advantage of my new skills and education, I went and worked for slightly more than minimum wage in a bookstore while, yes, living with my parents. My point is that it’s not a new problem that college grads can’t find jobs in their chosen fields, especially jobs that pay a living wage. Yes, this is a problem, but it it not new. The key is to find opportunities to grow in whatever job you can find. I built a website for that bookstore, asked for the responsibility of writing some newspaper ads, and started a community book club. These efforts made this job more than a sales clerk position and allowed me to use it as a springboard to my first “real” job.
3. Tuition has climbed out of proportion with family income.
My take: Yes –I absolutely agree. When I was in college, I made my way on scholarships, meaning I graduated unburdened by student loans. I’m not sure this is possible today. Parents and their children need to have conversations about college early — and if the children want to go, it’s a wise idea for both parents and teenagers to start saving. It’s much easier (and less expensive) to save at least some of the money ahead of time than to be burdened with loan payments for 20 years. This is a real problem.
But it’s the second point that I find most interesting. My perception is that no one has been able to walk straight out of college and get a “real” job since my parents graduated — about 40 years ago. At that stage, the baby boomers began to fill up jobs, meaning that there were not so many openings for young grads as older people retired. Hence the predicament of Generation X, which is now continuing with Gen Y, rather than emerging as a new problem.
I’m sure today’s college students will think I am an old crab-pot if they read this. But am I wrong?
You can read Brittany Forrell’s editorial “Tuition Costs Crush Students” in the Missouri State University Standard here.
Some great stories of adult kids at home
There are some great stories and videos about adult children living at home in this piece from The Huffington Post — plus a trailer for a movie called Tiny Furniture, which explores the relationships in a family with a college grad moving home.
Boomerangers: Meet College Grads Who Have Moved Back Home
Video: College students talk about moving home
Recent statistics show that 85% of college grads move home to live with their parents for at least a little while. In this video from NTTV Nightly News, University of North Texas students talk about their plans for and experience living with their parents, and UNT’s economics department head offers some advice.
A 20-something responds to the NYT
Back in mid-August, the New York Times published an article entitled What Is It About 20-Somethings?: Why are so many people in their 20s taking so long to grow up?. It’s an interesting — if very long — read, especially if you have adult kids at home and are struggling to understand how you ended up in this situation.
Loads of people have written response to this piece online, but the first I’ve found that I’ve felt is worth linking to is from Charles Jeffrey Danoff of danoff.org. As a twentysomething back in his parents’ nest, he shares some great insights — and tidbits from an important conversation with his mother — that offer a great perspective from a thoughtful adult child at home. It’s worth a read, and you can find it here.
Moving home with kids in tow
I’ve talked before about how much more complicated it is when your adult children move home with kids of their own. Not only do you have to sort out your relationship and space-sharing issues with an adult — you also have kids involved, and they may not be happy to have left the home they were used to and be “stuck” with Grandma and Grandpa. These can be the most fragile situations, but they can also be the most helpful — think about how powerful it is for your grandkids to see good parenting in action, both by you and by your adult child.
There’s a great blog post on the santarosamom.com blog about what it felt like for one woman to move back in with her parents after a divorce — and share a bedroom with her two children. If you’re living in a similar situation, it’s definitely worth a read.
Address entitlement issues right up front
I’ve just read an article that has got me absolutely fuming. It’s not new — in fact, it’s from 2007 (which means it was written *before* the current economic crisis).
The article is entitled “Twentysomething: Be responsible, go back home after college,” and its entire point is that college grads should move home after college to save money, give themselves time to adjust to the real world and avoid having to take a job that doesn’t jive with their life goals.
Ack!
Sure, moving home with parents after college can be a great help, and can provide much needed support for emerging adults — both emotional and financial. I moved back home myself after graduating, and stayed for 8 months. At the time, I never thought about what my stay was costing my parents, though I did contribute to the household as much as I could by doing chores, cooking, and so on. Ryan, likewise, seems to miss entirely that the decision to move home impacts anyone other than the adult child. Here are a couple of choice quotes:
By moving home after graduation, you have little or no rent which allows for more freedom when searching for a job. There is no need to sell out to an investment bank if your real goal is to work with underprivileged children. Depending on where your parents are located, you are probably missing out on the big city night life and social scene, but you have lots of opportunities to find the perfect job, regardless of pay. If ditching the social scene for career sake doesn’t demonstrate responsibility and independence, I don’t know what does.
… moving home with mom and dad will immediately save you about $700 a month in housing costs. At least there is some extra cash flow. In two years, you can save up enough to move out on your own without worrying about going into credit card debt for basic necessities like fixing your car or buying groceries.
… Rather than focus on rent, bills and kids, emerging adults living at home with their parents have the ability to focus on the most important aspects of emerging adult life: figuring out who they are and what career is right for them.
The basic facts here are all true. But if this is how your adult child living at home sees the arrangement of living in your home, you’re in trouble. If there is no understanding that it is costing you real dollars to house an extra person in your home (for things like food, gas, heat, electricity, and so on), and that it may actually impact your lifestyle as well as your adult child’s, the ground is set for misunderstandings that will lead to resentment and damaged relationships. This is one of many reasons why it’s vitally important to work out both a living agreement (or contract) and a family budget before your adult child moves home.
To read Ryan’s entire article, click here. I’d be interested to know if it gets you as riled up as it did me. If you have an adult kid who views living with you as Ryan does, check out my article on how to avoid the top 5 mistakes made by parents with adult children living at home.
Almost 30 and still relying on Mom and Dad
I recently talked about the new term “yuckies,” which stands for Young Unwitting Costly Kids — adult children who still rely on their parents for regular financial support. Bryony Gordon, 29, a writer for the Telegraph, recently shared her thoughts on being a yuckie. Here’s a quote from her piece that neatly captures today’s realities for many young people, and how it’s impacting their parents:
I am still partly reliant on my parents despite being old enough to be one myself, a point that my mother never tires of making. “You know that you are going to be 30 this year,” she says. “When I was your age, I was already paying your school fees.”
Gosh, my school fees. What a waste of money that was. Here I am, no more a home-owner than I am a trapeze artist or for that matter a circus elephant, one toe clinging desperately to the very bottom rung of the property ladder thanks only to my mother who bought most of the flat that I live in. Last month she had to pay my gas bill.
The piece is thoughtful and a good read, and you can find it here.